Bloody Fessstive Sssseason
by Robin Straker
Summary: Christmas and Apocalypse Good Omens fanfiction. Ineffable colds, the bloody apocalypse, Aziraphale's (and Crowley's lack of) christmas spirit and festive cheer.
1. The Eve of The Apocalypse

"How ineffable, Az, that I am ill on the eve of the _actual _apocalypse." Crowley groaned as he wandered into Aziraphale's bookshop.

Aziraphale rolled his eyes as he leafed through a rather tattered copy of the St James' bible from behind the counter.

"Oh really, Crowley, stop being such a drama queen. It's just a little cold, that's all." He paused. "And it's not _really _going to happen, Crowley, else I'd been told, wouldn't I? You know, from _on high_." He said, gesturing towards the ceiling. Crowley sighed and fell into an armchair next to the bookcase closest to Aziraphale.

"I dunno Azzz, you see, what I reckon issss," he said, frowning to himself as he started hissing. He always did that when he was _really _ill, so he must be, mustn't he? He'd hissed right through the fourteenth century, if he remembered rightly. Bloody plague.

"What I reckon isss," he repeated, "is that both sssidesss are teaming together to ssstart another Apocalypssse just to get ussss back for ruining the lasssst one. It's been prophesized an all too. They've been planning thisss one for centuries, Azz. Mark my wordsss."

Aziraphale merely blinked at him, then returned to his book.

"I'm just sssaying, Angel, that we need to be ready. That'ssss my point." He stopped suddenly, and sneezed so tremendously that Aziraphale lost his page in his book.

Aziraphale sighed.

"Well, at least this time it's not dolphins."

Crowley rubbed his nose with his sleeve and glared at Aziraphale over his sunglasses.

Aziraphale put his book down and knelt down in front of Crowley.

"Okay, lets take these off for starters. It's just us here now. No-one will see."

He said softly, easing Crowley's sunglasses off his face. The demon blinked at the light, but didn't protest. His eyes were glowing a little duller than usual. Aziraphale placed a cool, pale hand on Crowley's forehead.

"You don't even have a temperature, Crowley. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself and make yourself better."

"I thought you were againsssst using our powersss for personal gain, 'Zira?" Crowley mumbled.

"Yes, well, you're doing my head in. And I might get customers." Aziraphale said, sighing. Crowley nodded. There was a flash of orange light, and Crowley was sitting up straighter, his eyes a little brighter, and he gave Aziraphale a toothy grin.

"Now, go out the back, make us both a nice cup of tea, and I'll close the shop. It _is _Christmas, after all."

Crowley rolled his eyes and walked away.

_Bloody fesssstive sssseason. _


	2. The Apocalypse

**A/N Yes, it's a day early for my real-time posting idea, but this is set in the morning, I guess, and I won't be able to post it tomorrow. awesomeness points for spotting some Sherlock references, and guessing where they're now living ****_before _****I gave the actual street name. I'm completely obsessed with Bohemian Rhapsody at the moment and I'm pretty sure it was used in the book but sorry the whole chapter just fitted it nicely. I was planning on doing a separate fic with Crowley getting caught singing along to songs by Az but I might incorporate it into this...we'll see how it goes!**

**Anyway, I hope we all get saved once again by our ineffable boys tomorrow, good luck! **

Crowley sat cross-legged on the sofa, glaring into his tea.

"Oh, what's wrong _now_?" Aziraphale asked, joining him on the sofa, clutching his own mug. "I thought you'd like to live together. And we moved your plants here from your old flat and everything."

"You inssssissst on paying rent, and we can't afford the heating bill and it'sss bloody freezing." He grumbled, sipping his tea.

Aziraphale rolled his eyes.

"Crowley, calm down. You're hissing and your scales are showing." He said, rubbing Crowley's scaly hand affectionately.

"Sssorry." He muttered. He paused, took some deep breaths and waited for his scales to disappear again, before saying, managing not to hiss: "You know, I think that's why you don't seem as cold. I'm still cold blooded, sort of. And you're…not. Also, you're a lot more…_plump_ than me."

"Plump?!" Aziraphale repeated, mouth wide open.

"You know what I mean." Crowley muttered, getting up and flourishing his hand at the fireplace. He glared up at the wall as he heard shots fired.

"Those neighbours of ours are fucking noisy." He grumbled.

"Our landlady, Mrs Turner, did mention it. Said it's her neighbour's lodgers." Aziraphale said, matter-of-factly.

Crowley nodded, not really listening.

Aziraphale sighed and turned on the television.

"Ohh, Songs of Praise!" He said, clapping excitedly.

"Oh, bloody hel- I mean, oh fuck, really?" Crowley grumbled. He got up and sauntered towards the door.

"Where are you going?"

"Car. It's got a heater. And Queen." He said, shrugging on his blazer and sunglasses before jogging down the stairs, shutting the door quietly behind him.

Aziraphale sighed and curled up on the sofa with his tea, singing along to this week's _special Christmas episode._

Crowley huffed as he climbed into his Bentley. He turned on the ignition and the tape player, and turned up the heating as far as it would go. Then he drove away from Baker Street, towards the M25. He was feeling sentimental.

_Is this the real life?_

_Is this just fantasy?_

_Caught in a landslide_

_No escape from reality_

_Open your eyes_

_Look up to the skies and see… _

Crowley glanced up at the rather average looking grey sky.

"Well, not too bad so far, as far as apocalypses go.." He muttered.

_No it's not, is it, Crowley. _Freddie Mercury sung. Crowley rolled his eyes.

_I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy…_

"Oh, hello Sir."

_You just rolled your eyes at me, Crowley. I hope you're enjoying the chaos. We've made sure it all goes to plan this time. Got our best people on it._

"Oh, sorry Sir. I must have missed that memo." Crowley retorted. "And, Sir, you do realise nothing is happening up here, right?"

_WHAT?_

_Thunderbolt and lightning - very, very frightening me_

Crowley jumped slightly as Freddie Mercury yelled his abuse.

"Ah, sir, did you by any chance choose Hastur and Ligur to be the harbingers of doom this time around?"

_…Maybe…_

Crowley grinned.

_Well, enjoy the rest of your life, Crowley. Til next time…_

_Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me!_

_For me!_

_For me!_

Crowley chuckled and turned the car around. Maybe he would just go and spend today with his Angel after all.

**Reviews are loved as much as Aziraphale loves Crowley! **


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